Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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