i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
