Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
