Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
