I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
