Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
