My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
