Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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