peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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