That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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