How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
