She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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