I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
