Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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