Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
