i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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