I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
