Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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