I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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