yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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