We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He shit in the fireplace
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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