I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
