i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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