apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
