Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
