I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
