I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
