My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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