She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
