***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
