The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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