I think I won the penis lottery.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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