There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
