I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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