I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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