youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
