I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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