I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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