i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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