Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
