how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*