I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
