What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
