you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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