Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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