I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
