I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
