my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
