Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
