The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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