I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
high people should be assigned attendants
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
