Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I think I just sharted jello shots
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
