what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
