Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
