I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
