I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
