I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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