I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
