Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't turn off my feet"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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